Church & Spiders

Some of my very favorite kids are graduating from high school on Thursday, so today I did something that I rarely do. I went to church. I know, right?! But that is the truth: I really and truly did.

The baccalaureate ceremony was fine, but I'll openly admit that I was distracted through the whole thing because there were these two spiders by my right foot who were not getting along especially well. The one spider was small and nimble (we'll call her Clarisse); the other spider was much larger and rather wooly (Howard, I think, is an appropriate name for him).

Here's what transpired:

Clarisse had this web under the pew in front of me. It was obvious that she'd recently eaten because the carcass of a beetle lay nearby, but she must have had an insatiable appetite because Howard got stuck in her web and she was doing her best to make a meal out of him. I felt bad for Howard because he kept trying to get away, but his little feet were stuck in this unfamiliar spider's unfamiliar webbing; he simply could not shake the sticky fibers free!

Occasionally, Clarisse would approach Howard and try to stab him with her wicked fangs. Each time, Howard mustered up enough strength to skirt the advance and stay alive. I felt such sympathy for him that I made a bold decision to interfere: I offered Howard my flip-flop. Sensing a friend, Howard latched onto the rubber sole, climbed up on my toe, and allowed me to pull him to safety. Clarisse scurried up her web and watched from afar, having been sufficiently thwarted.

Howard spent the next couple of songs and prayers working excess webbing from his feet. Then--slowly but surely--he crawled toward the carpeted aisle that ran between the pews. This required a fair amount of effort on Howard's part; he'd really been exhausted by the entire ordeal that happened earlier in the evening. But once he made it to the carpet, his footing was more secure and his movements came more easily. I thought, "Howard is going to be okay."

But you know what? The service ended at that point and the students processed down the carpeted aisle and when I glanced down a moment later, Howard had been smooshed. My rescue had been for naught; despite my best efforts, Howard's life still ended far earlier than when it should have.

This story is, of course, a lesson in irony (a murder in a church, of all places!), but even more than that, Howard's sad demise has made me really consider the idea that "life is uncertain; eat dessert first."

I had a brownie and a peanut butter cookie after the service, then I came home and ate some spaghetti. I've been whistling R.E.M. all evening. You know the song...